Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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