Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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