I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
