Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
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