Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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