Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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