You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
