just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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