I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
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From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
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Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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