I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
