I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
