you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
