Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
