tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
