if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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