he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
