he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
