I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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