Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
