I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
this boner is exhausting
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
