Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
