WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
