I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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