just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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