He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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