And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
