Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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