if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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