My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
