I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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