woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
