I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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