I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize