she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
