i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
