I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
