I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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