I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
