I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
