We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
