I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
