my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
