He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
