I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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