i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
