Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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