Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
