he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
