the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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