What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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