Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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