I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
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I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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