every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
