so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
