Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
