sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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