i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
