I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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