I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
