They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
