I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records